Shallow

Believe it or not, I'm a person who has a varied skill set. I can act, write, create, and I even cook. However, there's one thing I can't do very well and that's shallow.

I don't do shallow very well at all. I can't do fake table conversation, I can't pretend that I don't have ideas and opinions. That doesn't mean that I can't deal with it, I simply disconnect or remove myself from situations. When I sit down to talk to people, it is with the full intension of investing myself in them and their struggles; that I won't settle for surface stuff. As a result I choose my friends very carefully. The people I choose to involve in my life are sparse, but meaningful.

They are good people. People who care about others and sacrifice for those around them. They are generous, they are thoughtful, they are people truly worth knowing.

One of the struggles of teaching is the separating of personal from educational. You don't share things, you're students; I'm the instructor. It's like I found out that Mike lives in my neighborhood, but I didn't bother to mention where it was that I lived. It's that wall that we use to keep ourselves apart. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly loads of wonderful reasons for doing that, especially when there is such a gap in the age of the instructor and the instructed. So if there were my EDU 205 class, this entry wouldn't be happening.

But that's one of the advantages of a smaller adult class, you feel more comfortable in sharing and it fosters a community, so it's what that in mind that I toss down these rambling thoughts.

My friend is dying and I am helpless to stop it.

I'm broken hearted, I'm pissed off, and there isn't a thing I can fix or do to help. I'm 34 for years old, my friends aren't supposed to be dying. She's 31, a mother for a 5 year old and the doctors report that sometime in the next 24 hours she will most likely pass away. She'll never wake up again. The last time we spoke on the phone a few days ago, our conversation was cut short because the battery in her cell phone ran out of juice.

That's what it feels like, like we had just gotten into the middle of a great talk and abruptly it was cut off. You've already vicariously met her, she's my partner in crime in the Learning Block #1 introduction video (that was filmed in August). In April she was diagnosed with T-Cell Lymphoma; last week she was supposed to have a bone marrow transplant and now tomorrow most likely she will no longer be on this planet and frankly I think it's a pretty shitty deal (pardon my French).

I hate stuff like this.

I hate that we live in a broken world. I hate that bad things happen to good people. I hate that reality trumped my hope.

Don't get me wrong; I live in a faith based world view. I know that God is in control; I know that He has a more perfect will that that I don't understand. I know that it's not my will be done, but His. It's just sometimes I wish that God would realign His will to mine.

If I am a bit flakey this week, I apologize, but at least you know why.

As always,
Bob